Quitting to Recommit
So, I made the decision to quit yesterday.
Don’t worry, I didn’t quit graduate school! I actually quit for graduate school.
As you may know or remember, soon after I got accepted into my graduate program, I applied for and got offered a part-time student job. Originally I didn’t know they were looking for people to start in that term which meant I couldn’t start yet since I didn’t have a visa clearing me to work yet. They graciously let me delay my start date to August (presumably once I would have secured my student visa) and start remote until we were back on campus. I was absolutely thrilled to have secured a part-time job so quickly and especially on-campus as I was looking forward to having a hand in the student communications and to have a more dynamic student experience.
I started the role in mid-August, working remotely in the mornings to match up with the afternoons in the UK and balancing preparing for graduate school/this move to London and general life things. Balancing wasn’t easy of course, but I really enjoyed getting to be a part of communicating information about the school and life in London to other students like myself. I was looking forward to continuing this alongside my studies for the next year.
However, after my first full week of classes, something felt out of balance internally and I knew I had to figure out what was causing that. But before I get to that, I want to do a quick re-cap of my last few weeks since I moved to London.
I am so grateful that I made the decision to arrive a few weeks before things got started with my school because I surely needed it. Not only to adjust to time and give myself the space to decompress and reset, but to get logistics in order such as settling into my flat, starting the process of opening a bank account, and getting my visa and school registration squared away. After a short semi-quarantine and a negative Day 2 test, I spent my days running in and out of stores (and ordering online) to get everything from plates to groceries to towels to trash bags to plants to school supplies to you get the idea. On top of that, I thought I packed much more everyday clothes than I actually did so I realized I had to find some affordable basic clothes I could use. Primark and H&M came in real handy for that! In the midst of my shopping, it was also really nice to have mostly unplanned time to relax, explore, binge tv, plan, and create my new little home. I was still working 10 hours/week for the student job and it was really great to finally be on the same time zone as my shift hours. I also had the opportunity to meet some really great people, mostly also studying here in the UK from the US! Plus, it hadn’t been raining that much and the weather was perfect for me.
My weeks settling in were great and before I knew it, my university’s Welcome Week was here (week of 27th September) and classes would be starting the week after (week of 4th October). Things were about to get really real and I didn’t even know what to expect. I only have lectures twice/week, but it is recommended that we’re spending at least another 40 hours/week in self-directed study.
Thankfully, my professors have a really great approach to the course that actually fosters what I believe education should be for: to learn for the sake of learning; to reflect; to discuss; to think critically, theoretically, and practically. It’s not about memorizing things for a test or feeling the need to read and write down everything that may not even be of interest. We’re encouraged to understand why what we’re learning is important and how it can apply in practice, but to focus our deep-diving into the things that really interest us as individuals.
Which is to say that there will still always be lots of reading, but the experience is what you make of it. That’s also what I told myself I wanted this year in graduate school to be. I wanted it to be an opportunity for me to take a sabbatical from my regular working life, choose myself, and learn — learn all the things my curiosity brings me to.
After my first week of classes, I was sitting with a newer understanding of what would be required of me to do well and make the most of my time here and that started to conflict with what my current reality was. Originally, It wasn’t a second thought for me to look for a job right after I got accepted in order to help ease the financial costs and have something that would meaningfully add to my experience, but this past week, I did have second thoughts. Only one week in with both a regular class and work schedule and I already felt behind and overwhelmed in both. I also started to feel time slip away from me and that I had less control over my days than I wanted. That wasn’t what I came here for. But I wanted to make it work and I thought I just needed to be more organized and more disciplined to do so. That could also be true, but it didn’t shake the feeling that something was off and that if I didn’t make a change soon, I would find myself more overwhelmed, more behind, stuck, and probably failing. And I surely didn’t come here to start a grad program and not do my best in it. If there was anything I was going to be overwhelmed about, I could only allow it to be school and nothing else. If I was going to work, it had to be very casual and freelance-like where I could own my time and schedule each day. I came here with visions and plans not only about school, but also my learning outside of school and about how I would enjoy London. This is the year-long opportunity I gave myself to engage in all the things that have sparked my curiosity both professionally and personally. This is the time to finally find the most free version of myself. And I realized that working in any structured way was not going to be it. There would be a time for work again, but this was not it. As Issa Rae said, it’s a me (+ grad school) season right now and I needed to recommit to that.
Nonetheless, the decision to recommit also meant the decision to quit. After much thought and consultation, I knew I had to quit my student job. It wasn’t an easy decision and a decision that I still feel some heartache over. This job was something I was looking forward to for months and I am so grateful for the whole team and what I have gotten from it. But this was about more than this particular job. More than any job really. I owed it to myself and all those who have believed in me in this journey to make sure I do everything I can to make the most of it. I knew I needed the time and energy back to myself and to my studies. So I officially sent my notice of termination and will be wrapping up in the next couple weeks. It still feels a bit surreal, sad, and strange, but I also feel peace in knowing that this was the right move to make. I know my family, my ancestors, the universe, and God are all behind me and proud of me for making that tough decision to honor the commitment I made and am continuing to make with myself.
I will say that the only work I’ll be keeping is my petsitting since I have a high level of control over when and how I do that, including the ability to simply block out my calendar whenever I can’t or don’t want to work. It’s brought me a lot of much needed joy over the last 3 years I have been doing it professionally with Rover in DC and I’m grateful I can move my profile over to London. I’m also in a good position to receive new clients quickly since I have built up dozens of reviews and repeat clients that are showcased on my profile. Actually, one of things that affirmed my decision was that in one of the moments I was reflecting over it and concerned about how this would impact me financially, I actually received a new petsitting request! That was my little reminder that I was going to be okay. Everything was going to be okay.
Lastly, speaking of signs because I always have a ton of them. I won’t share too much about it on here yet and probably not until after the happening, but several things have been aligning for me to spend my upcoming birthday (11/11) the way that I really want to. One of those puzzle pieces that I really wasn’t sure was going to work out ended up coming into alignment also when I was reflecting on making this decision. That was another affirmation/confirmation that I was on the right path.
Anyway, I wanted to make sure I shared about this part of the journey because it’s a not-so-great part and something I probably would have mostly only kept to close family and friends if I hadn’t already mentioned the job publicly before. I also wanted it to be a reminder to myself and whoever needs to hear it that sometimes there are things that we need to quit simply so that we could recommit to what we truly need to focus on.
Here’s to recommitting to and redefining the life we want to create, each and every day. 🥂
Renée ♥️
